To love with one's whole heart...to love with every fiber of one's being...to love unconditionally even the most flawed and corrupt, selfish person...to love even when everything around you is breaking you down, bit by bit, day by day... to love...
to the point that there is simply nothing left in you. but you still want to give more? all you get back is hurt, lies, and crap from the world--but you still want to give more.
can't. let. go.
don't. want. to. either.
it hurts too good.
"... what is love? Love is not idealization. Every true lover knows that if you really love a woman or a man, that you don't idealize him or her. Love means that you accept a person with all its failures, stupidities, ugly points. And nonetheless, the person's absolute for you. Everything life- that makes life worth living. But you see perfection in imperfection itself and that's how we should learn to love the world." -Slavoj Zizek
what is this bullshit emotion?
Monday, June 6, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Om Kalthoum - The Ruins/الأطلال
Om Kalthoum - The Ruins
My heart, don't ask where the love has gone
It was a citadel of my imagination that has collapsed
Pour me a drink and let us drink of its ruins
And tell the story on my behalf as long as the tears flow
Tell how that love became past news
And became another story of passion
I haven't forgotten you
And you seduced me with a sweetly-calling and tender tongue
And a hand extending towards me like a hand stretched out through the waves to a drowning person
You seduced me with the saliva (of a kiss) that a night traveler thirsts for
But where is that light in your eyes?
My darling, I visited your nest one day as a bird of desire singing my pain
You've become self-important, spoiled and capricious
And you inflict harm like a powerful tyrant
And my longing for you cauterized my ribs (soul or insides)
And the waiting was like embers in my blood
Give me my freedom, release my hands
Indeed, I've given you yours and did not try to retain anything
Ah, your chains have bloodied my wrists
I haven't kept then nor have they spared me
Why do I keep promises that you do not honor?
When will this captivity end, when the world is before us?
He is far away, my enchanting love
Full of pride, majesty and delicacy
Sure-footed walking like an angel with oppressive beauty and rapacious glory
Redolent of charm like the breeze of the hills
Pleasant to experience like the night's dreams
I've lost forever the charm of your company that radiated brilliantly
I, wandering in love, a bewildered butterfly, approached you
And between us, desire was a messenger and drinking companion that presented the cup to us
Had love seen two as intoxicated as us?
So much hope we had built up around us
And we walked in the moonlit path, joy skipping along ahead of us
And we laughed like two children together
And we ran and raced our shadows
And we became aware after the euphoria and woke up
If only we did not awaken
Wakefulness ruined the dreams of slumber
The night came and the night became my only friend
And then the light was an omen of the sunrise and the dawn was towering over like a conflagration
And then the world was as we know it, with each lover in their own path
Oh sleepless one who slumbers and remembers the promise when you wake up
Know that if a wound begins to recover another wound crops up with the memory
So learn to forget and learn to erase it
My darling everything is fated
It is not by our hands that we make our misfortune
Perhaps one day our fates will cross when our desire to meet is strong enough
For if one friend denies the other and we meet as strangers
And if each of us follows his or her own way
Don't say it was by our own will
But rather, the will of fate
Oum Kalthoum - Les Ruines
Ne cherche pas, mon ame, a savoir qu'est devenu l'amour
C'etait une citadelle imaginaire qui s'est effondree
Abreuve-moi et trinquons a ses ruines
Conte en mon nom l'histoire
Maintenant que mes larmes ont coule
Racont comment cet amour s'est transforme en passe et pourquoi il m'est devenu un sujet de douleur
Je ne parviens pas a t'oublier
Toi qui m'avais seduite par tes discours si doux et raffines
Tendant ta main vers moi
Comme celle que l'on tend
Par dessus l'onde, a celui qui se noie
Et comme la lumiere que recherche un errant
Mais ou est donc passe cet eclat dans tes yeux
Mon amour, j'avais eu un jour la joie de visiter ton nid
Me voici aujourd'hui oiseau solitaire, roucoulant ma douleur
Tu es devenu suffisant comme un etre capricieux et gate
Tu pratiques l'injustice comme un puissant tyranique
Mon desir de toi me brule l'ame et le temps de ton absence n'est que braises cuisantes
Donne-moi ma liberte et brise mes chaines
Je t'ai tout donne; il ne me reste plus rien
Ah! tu m'avais saigne les poignets par tes chaines
pourquoi les garderai-je alors qu'elles n'ont plus d'effet sur moi
Pourquoi croire a des promesses que tu n'as pas tenues
Je n'accepte plus ta prison
Maintenant que le Monde est a moi
Il est loin mon bien-aime seduisant, tout de fierte, de majeste, et de pudeur
Si sur de lui, comme un roi de beaute et avide de gloire
Exhalant le charme, comme la brise des vallees, agreable a vivre comme les songes de la nuit
J'ai perdu a jamais ta douce compagnie dont le charme rayonnait de splendeur pour moi
Je n'etais qu'un amour a la derive, un papillon perdu qui s'etait approche de toi
Entre nous, la passion etait notre messager et l'ami qui avait fait deborder notre coupe
Y a-t-il jamais eu plus enivres d'amour que nous?
Nous nous etions entoures de tant d'espoir
Nous avions emprunte un chemin eclaire precedes que nous etions par la joie
Nous avons ri comme seuls deux enfants savent le faire et nous avons couru encore plus vite que notre ombre
C'est quand l'ivresse nous quitta que la lucidite revint et que nous nous sommes reveilles
Mai le reveil fut sans illusion
Finis les reves d'un monde imagine, voici venir la nuit, ma seule compagne
Et puis voici la lumiere qui annonce le jour et l'aube dont le ciel s'embrase
Voila la vie reelle, telle que nous la connaissons, avec ces amants qui reprennent chacun son chemin
Toi qui veilles en oubliant les promesses, et te reveilles en t'en souvenant
Sache que lorsqu'une blessure se referme, le souvenir en fait saigner une autre
Il faut apprendre a oublier
Il faut apprendre a effacer les souvenirs
Mon bien-aime, tout est fatalite
Ce n'est pas nous qui faisons notre malheur
Un jour peut-etre nos destins se croiseront, lorsque notre desir de nous rencontrer sera assez fort
S'il arrive alors qu'un de nous renie son amant et que notre rencontre soit celle de deux etrangers
Et si chacun de nous poursuit un chemin different, ne crois pas qu'il s'agira alors de notre choix mais plutot de celui du destin
ام كلثوم - الأطلال
يا فؤادي لا تسل أين الهوى كان صرحا من خيال فهوى
اسقني واشرب على أطلاله واروعني طالما الدمع روى
كيف ذاك الحب أمسى خبرا وحديثا من أحاديث الهوى
لست أنساك وقد أغريتني بفم عذب المنادة رقيق ويد
تمد نحوي كيد من خلال الموج مدت لغريق وبريق يظمأ
الساري له أين في عينيك نياك البريق ياحبيبا زرت يوما
أيكه طائر الشوق أغنى ألمي لك إبطاء المذل المنعم وتجني
القادر المحتكم و حنيني لك يكوي أضلعي والتواني جمرات
في دمي أعطني حريتي أطلق يدي ا إنني أعطيتك ما استبقيت
شيئا آه من قيدك أدمى معصمي لم أبقيه وما أبقى عليا
ما احتفاظي بعهود لم تصنها وإلام الأسر والدنيا لد يا أين من
عيني حبيب ساحر فيه عز وجلال وحياء واثق الخطوة يمشي
ملكا ظالم الحسن شهي الكبرياء عبق السحر كأنفاس الربى
ساهم الطرف كأحلام المساء أين مني مجلس أنت به فتنتة تمت
سناء وسنى وأنا حب و قلب هائم وفراش حائر منك دنا ومن
الشوق رسول بيننا ونديم قدم الكاس لنا هل رأى الحب سكارى
مثلنا كم بنينا من خيال حولنا ومشينا في طريق مقمر تثب
الفرحة فبه قلبنا وضحكنا ضحك طفلين معا وعدونا فسبقنا ظلنا
وانتبهنا بعد ما زال الرحيق وأفقنا ليت أنا لانفبق يقظة
طاحت بأحلام الكرى وتولى الليل والليل صديق وإذا النور
نذير طالع وإذا الفجر مطال كالحريق وإذا الدنيا كما تعرفها
وإذ ا الأحباب كل فب طريق أيها الساهر تغفو تذكر العهد
وتصحو وإذا ما الأم جرح جد بالتذكار جرح فتعلم كيف
تنيى وتعلم كيف تمحو يا حبيبي كل شيء بقضاء ما بأيدينا
خلقنا تعساء ربما تجمعنا أقدارنا ذات يوم بعدما عز اللقاء فإذا
انكر خل خله وتلاقينا لقاء الغرباء ومضى كل إلى غايته لاتقل
شئنا فإن الحظ شاء
My heart, don't ask where the love has gone
It was a citadel of my imagination that has collapsed
Pour me a drink and let us drink of its ruins
And tell the story on my behalf as long as the tears flow
Tell how that love became past news
And became another story of passion
I haven't forgotten you
And you seduced me with a sweetly-calling and tender tongue
And a hand extending towards me like a hand stretched out through the waves to a drowning person
You seduced me with the saliva (of a kiss) that a night traveler thirsts for
But where is that light in your eyes?
My darling, I visited your nest one day as a bird of desire singing my pain
You've become self-important, spoiled and capricious
And you inflict harm like a powerful tyrant
And my longing for you cauterized my ribs (soul or insides)
And the waiting was like embers in my blood
Give me my freedom, release my hands
Indeed, I've given you yours and did not try to retain anything
Ah, your chains have bloodied my wrists
I haven't kept then nor have they spared me
Why do I keep promises that you do not honor?
When will this captivity end, when the world is before us?
He is far away, my enchanting love
Full of pride, majesty and delicacy
Sure-footed walking like an angel with oppressive beauty and rapacious glory
Redolent of charm like the breeze of the hills
Pleasant to experience like the night's dreams
I've lost forever the charm of your company that radiated brilliantly
I, wandering in love, a bewildered butterfly, approached you
And between us, desire was a messenger and drinking companion that presented the cup to us
Had love seen two as intoxicated as us?
So much hope we had built up around us
And we walked in the moonlit path, joy skipping along ahead of us
And we laughed like two children together
And we ran and raced our shadows
And we became aware after the euphoria and woke up
If only we did not awaken
Wakefulness ruined the dreams of slumber
The night came and the night became my only friend
And then the light was an omen of the sunrise and the dawn was towering over like a conflagration
And then the world was as we know it, with each lover in their own path
Oh sleepless one who slumbers and remembers the promise when you wake up
Know that if a wound begins to recover another wound crops up with the memory
So learn to forget and learn to erase it
My darling everything is fated
It is not by our hands that we make our misfortune
Perhaps one day our fates will cross when our desire to meet is strong enough
For if one friend denies the other and we meet as strangers
And if each of us follows his or her own way
Don't say it was by our own will
But rather, the will of fate
Oum Kalthoum - Les Ruines
Ne cherche pas, mon ame, a savoir qu'est devenu l'amour
C'etait une citadelle imaginaire qui s'est effondree
Abreuve-moi et trinquons a ses ruines
Conte en mon nom l'histoire
Maintenant que mes larmes ont coule
Racont comment cet amour s'est transforme en passe et pourquoi il m'est devenu un sujet de douleur
Je ne parviens pas a t'oublier
Toi qui m'avais seduite par tes discours si doux et raffines
Tendant ta main vers moi
Comme celle que l'on tend
Par dessus l'onde, a celui qui se noie
Et comme la lumiere que recherche un errant
Mais ou est donc passe cet eclat dans tes yeux
Mon amour, j'avais eu un jour la joie de visiter ton nid
Me voici aujourd'hui oiseau solitaire, roucoulant ma douleur
Tu es devenu suffisant comme un etre capricieux et gate
Tu pratiques l'injustice comme un puissant tyranique
Mon desir de toi me brule l'ame et le temps de ton absence n'est que braises cuisantes
Donne-moi ma liberte et brise mes chaines
Je t'ai tout donne; il ne me reste plus rien
Ah! tu m'avais saigne les poignets par tes chaines
pourquoi les garderai-je alors qu'elles n'ont plus d'effet sur moi
Pourquoi croire a des promesses que tu n'as pas tenues
Je n'accepte plus ta prison
Maintenant que le Monde est a moi
Il est loin mon bien-aime seduisant, tout de fierte, de majeste, et de pudeur
Si sur de lui, comme un roi de beaute et avide de gloire
Exhalant le charme, comme la brise des vallees, agreable a vivre comme les songes de la nuit
J'ai perdu a jamais ta douce compagnie dont le charme rayonnait de splendeur pour moi
Je n'etais qu'un amour a la derive, un papillon perdu qui s'etait approche de toi
Entre nous, la passion etait notre messager et l'ami qui avait fait deborder notre coupe
Y a-t-il jamais eu plus enivres d'amour que nous?
Nous nous etions entoures de tant d'espoir
Nous avions emprunte un chemin eclaire precedes que nous etions par la joie
Nous avons ri comme seuls deux enfants savent le faire et nous avons couru encore plus vite que notre ombre
C'est quand l'ivresse nous quitta que la lucidite revint et que nous nous sommes reveilles
Mai le reveil fut sans illusion
Finis les reves d'un monde imagine, voici venir la nuit, ma seule compagne
Et puis voici la lumiere qui annonce le jour et l'aube dont le ciel s'embrase
Voila la vie reelle, telle que nous la connaissons, avec ces amants qui reprennent chacun son chemin
Toi qui veilles en oubliant les promesses, et te reveilles en t'en souvenant
Sache que lorsqu'une blessure se referme, le souvenir en fait saigner une autre
Il faut apprendre a oublier
Il faut apprendre a effacer les souvenirs
Mon bien-aime, tout est fatalite
Ce n'est pas nous qui faisons notre malheur
Un jour peut-etre nos destins se croiseront, lorsque notre desir de nous rencontrer sera assez fort
S'il arrive alors qu'un de nous renie son amant et que notre rencontre soit celle de deux etrangers
Et si chacun de nous poursuit un chemin different, ne crois pas qu'il s'agira alors de notre choix mais plutot de celui du destin
ام كلثوم - الأطلال
يا فؤادي لا تسل أين الهوى كان صرحا من خيال فهوى
اسقني واشرب على أطلاله واروعني طالما الدمع روى
كيف ذاك الحب أمسى خبرا وحديثا من أحاديث الهوى
لست أنساك وقد أغريتني بفم عذب المنادة رقيق ويد
تمد نحوي كيد من خلال الموج مدت لغريق وبريق يظمأ
الساري له أين في عينيك نياك البريق ياحبيبا زرت يوما
أيكه طائر الشوق أغنى ألمي لك إبطاء المذل المنعم وتجني
القادر المحتكم و حنيني لك يكوي أضلعي والتواني جمرات
في دمي أعطني حريتي أطلق يدي ا إنني أعطيتك ما استبقيت
شيئا آه من قيدك أدمى معصمي لم أبقيه وما أبقى عليا
ما احتفاظي بعهود لم تصنها وإلام الأسر والدنيا لد يا أين من
عيني حبيب ساحر فيه عز وجلال وحياء واثق الخطوة يمشي
ملكا ظالم الحسن شهي الكبرياء عبق السحر كأنفاس الربى
ساهم الطرف كأحلام المساء أين مني مجلس أنت به فتنتة تمت
سناء وسنى وأنا حب و قلب هائم وفراش حائر منك دنا ومن
الشوق رسول بيننا ونديم قدم الكاس لنا هل رأى الحب سكارى
مثلنا كم بنينا من خيال حولنا ومشينا في طريق مقمر تثب
الفرحة فبه قلبنا وضحكنا ضحك طفلين معا وعدونا فسبقنا ظلنا
وانتبهنا بعد ما زال الرحيق وأفقنا ليت أنا لانفبق يقظة
طاحت بأحلام الكرى وتولى الليل والليل صديق وإذا النور
نذير طالع وإذا الفجر مطال كالحريق وإذا الدنيا كما تعرفها
وإذ ا الأحباب كل فب طريق أيها الساهر تغفو تذكر العهد
وتصحو وإذا ما الأم جرح جد بالتذكار جرح فتعلم كيف
تنيى وتعلم كيف تمحو يا حبيبي كل شيء بقضاء ما بأيدينا
خلقنا تعساء ربما تجمعنا أقدارنا ذات يوم بعدما عز اللقاء فإذا
انكر خل خله وتلاقينا لقاء الغرباء ومضى كل إلى غايته لاتقل
شئنا فإن الحظ شاء
life without you
is simply not a life at all...
it is an emptiness
that never goes away.
sometimes i wonder?
how long will i last...
in this world
without you...?
it can't be long
because every time i meet
a soul like yours...
it is only a matter of time
before my heart breaks.
then i realize!
this hole.
this hole that i am trying so hard
to patch up and fix...
is unfixable.
my destiny
is simply
a life
of heartbreak and tears.
wal7amdulilah 3ala kol 7al.
is simply not a life at all...
it is an emptiness
that never goes away.
sometimes i wonder?
how long will i last...
in this world
without you...?
it can't be long
because every time i meet
a soul like yours...
it is only a matter of time
before my heart breaks.
then i realize!
this hole.
this hole that i am trying so hard
to patch up and fix...
is unfixable.
my destiny
is simply
a life
of heartbreak and tears.
wal7amdulilah 3ala kol 7al.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"I Wish I Was A Fly"...
"Just for one day out of my years of existence, I wish I was a tiny, smart, strong fly, so I could buzz over the twinkling lights of the country, past the zipping cars on the streets, through the narrow streets, and finally land at your doorstep.
I wish I could fly into your house; through an open window, an open door, or even through a keyhole large enough to squeeze me through.
I wish I could see the inside; see how colorful or drab, how luminous or dim, how animated or dull, how neat or messy, how funny or sad life is for you on the inside.
I promise, I won't be a pesky fly. I won't bother you while you're eating or sleeping or studying, or even when you watch TV. I just want to watch.
I want to watch you eat and drink and smile. I want to smell what you're eating and silently pray to God that you enjoy every single bite from the first to the last, and every sip from the brim of the glass to it's bottom.
I want to see and hear your laugh while you're watching TV or talking with your family. I want to watch what you are watching and absorb the bubbling laughter and silly snorts that escape your lips everytime something makes you smile.
I want to sit on the headboard of your bed and watch over you while you sleep. I want to make sure that the covers are tucked tightly around your strong arms and that the pillow beneath your breathtakingly angelic face is fluffed to your liking. I also want to hear you recite your mu3awethat, followed by your soft yet heavy breathing.
I want to see you first thing in the morning and the last thing at night.
I want to listen to what your parents tell you, or what you tell them. I promise, I won't intervene or sting them when they say anything to hurt or bother you; I just want to listen.
I want to perch myself in the strap of your gym bag and be with you when you go to work out. I want to tuck myself in between the criss-crossed safety of your shoelaces so that I can be with you from start to finish, to make sure you don't get hurt and to make sure that you drink plenty of water. I don't care if it gets too hot or too stuffy or too smelly; I just want to be with you.
I want to ride with you in your car and listen to your favorite songs, and listen to your sweet voice singing them. I want to follow you into your diwaniya to hear what you and your guy friends talk about, and to make sure if you've had your dinner or not. I promise, I won't annoy you - you won't even know I'm there.
I just want to see, hear, smell, and touch you, and absorb everything that goes on around you.
Because maybe then I'll understand.
And maybe you'll understand how much I love you.
I wish I was a fly, just for one day."
-Chicken Soup for the Kuwaiti Soul
http://decadentwithdesire.blogspot.com/2009_04_01_archive.html
I wish I could fly into your house; through an open window, an open door, or even through a keyhole large enough to squeeze me through.
I wish I could see the inside; see how colorful or drab, how luminous or dim, how animated or dull, how neat or messy, how funny or sad life is for you on the inside.
I promise, I won't be a pesky fly. I won't bother you while you're eating or sleeping or studying, or even when you watch TV. I just want to watch.
I want to watch you eat and drink and smile. I want to smell what you're eating and silently pray to God that you enjoy every single bite from the first to the last, and every sip from the brim of the glass to it's bottom.
I want to see and hear your laugh while you're watching TV or talking with your family. I want to watch what you are watching and absorb the bubbling laughter and silly snorts that escape your lips everytime something makes you smile.
I want to sit on the headboard of your bed and watch over you while you sleep. I want to make sure that the covers are tucked tightly around your strong arms and that the pillow beneath your breathtakingly angelic face is fluffed to your liking. I also want to hear you recite your mu3awethat, followed by your soft yet heavy breathing.
I want to see you first thing in the morning and the last thing at night.
I want to listen to what your parents tell you, or what you tell them. I promise, I won't intervene or sting them when they say anything to hurt or bother you; I just want to listen.
I want to perch myself in the strap of your gym bag and be with you when you go to work out. I want to tuck myself in between the criss-crossed safety of your shoelaces so that I can be with you from start to finish, to make sure you don't get hurt and to make sure that you drink plenty of water. I don't care if it gets too hot or too stuffy or too smelly; I just want to be with you.
I want to ride with you in your car and listen to your favorite songs, and listen to your sweet voice singing them. I want to follow you into your diwaniya to hear what you and your guy friends talk about, and to make sure if you've had your dinner or not. I promise, I won't annoy you - you won't even know I'm there.
I just want to see, hear, smell, and touch you, and absorb everything that goes on around you.
Because maybe then I'll understand.
And maybe you'll understand how much I love you.
I wish I was a fly, just for one day."
-Chicken Soup for the Kuwaiti Soul
http://decadentwithdesire.blogspot.com/2009_04_01_archive.html
Thursday, October 28, 2010
قارئة الفنجان
جلست والخوف بعينيها
تتأمل فنجاني المقلوب
قالت يا ولدي لا تحزن
فالحب عليك هو المكتوب
يا ولدي قد مات شهيداً
من مات فداء للمحبوب
يا ولدي
بصرت ونجمت كثيراً
لكني لم أعرف أبداً فنجاناً يشبه فنجانك
بصرت ونجمت كثيراً
لكني لم أعرف أبداً أحزاناً تشبه أحزانك
مقدورك أن تمضي أبداً في بحر الحب بغير قلوع
وتكون حياتك طول العمر كتاب دموع
مقدورك أن تبقى مسجوناً بين الماء وبين النار
فبرغم جميع حرائقه
وبرغم جميع سوابقه
وبرغم الحزن الساكن فينا ليل نهار
وبرغم الريح .. وبرغم الجو الماطر والإعصار
الحب سيبقى يا ولدي أحلى الأقدار
يا ولدي
بحياتك يا ولدي امرأة
عيناها سبحان المعبود
فمها مرسوم كالعنقود
ضحكتها أنغام وورود
والشعر الغجري المجنون
يسافر في كل الدنيا
قد تغدو امرأة يا ولدي يهواها القلب
هي الدنيا
لكن سماءك ممطرة
وطريقك مسدود مسدود
فحبيبة قلبك يا ولدي
نائمة في قصر مرصود
من يدخل حجرتها .. من يطلب يدها
من يدنو من سور حديقتها .. من حاول فك ضفائرها
يا ولدي مفقود .. مفقود
ستفتش عنها يا ولدي في كل مكان
وستسأل عنها موج البحر وستسأل فيروز الشطآن
وتجوب بحاراً وبحارا .. وتفيض دموعك أنهارا
وسيكبر حزنك حتى يصبح أشجارا
وسترجع يوماً يا ولدي
مهزوماً مكسور الوجدان
وستعرف بعد رحيل العمر
بأنك كنت تطارد خيط دخان
فحبيبة قلبك يا ولدي
ليس لها أرض أو وطن أو عنوان
ما أصعب أن تهوى امرأة يا ولدي
ليس لها عنوان
تتأمل فنجاني المقلوب
قالت يا ولدي لا تحزن
فالحب عليك هو المكتوب
يا ولدي قد مات شهيداً
من مات فداء للمحبوب
يا ولدي
بصرت ونجمت كثيراً
لكني لم أعرف أبداً فنجاناً يشبه فنجانك
بصرت ونجمت كثيراً
لكني لم أعرف أبداً أحزاناً تشبه أحزانك
مقدورك أن تمضي أبداً في بحر الحب بغير قلوع
وتكون حياتك طول العمر كتاب دموع
مقدورك أن تبقى مسجوناً بين الماء وبين النار
فبرغم جميع حرائقه
وبرغم جميع سوابقه
وبرغم الحزن الساكن فينا ليل نهار
وبرغم الريح .. وبرغم الجو الماطر والإعصار
الحب سيبقى يا ولدي أحلى الأقدار
يا ولدي
بحياتك يا ولدي امرأة
عيناها سبحان المعبود
فمها مرسوم كالعنقود
ضحكتها أنغام وورود
والشعر الغجري المجنون
يسافر في كل الدنيا
قد تغدو امرأة يا ولدي يهواها القلب
هي الدنيا
لكن سماءك ممطرة
وطريقك مسدود مسدود
فحبيبة قلبك يا ولدي
نائمة في قصر مرصود
من يدخل حجرتها .. من يطلب يدها
من يدنو من سور حديقتها .. من حاول فك ضفائرها
يا ولدي مفقود .. مفقود
ستفتش عنها يا ولدي في كل مكان
وستسأل عنها موج البحر وستسأل فيروز الشطآن
وتجوب بحاراً وبحارا .. وتفيض دموعك أنهارا
وسيكبر حزنك حتى يصبح أشجارا
وسترجع يوماً يا ولدي
مهزوماً مكسور الوجدان
وستعرف بعد رحيل العمر
بأنك كنت تطارد خيط دخان
فحبيبة قلبك يا ولدي
ليس لها أرض أو وطن أو عنوان
ما أصعب أن تهوى امرأة يا ولدي
ليس لها عنوان
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Pure Satisfaction!
After my father's passing, my mom has constantly been searching for a 'cause' to support, in order to help fill her void. So, last week, she went to this place called 'International Refugee Relief Center' here in our city. It's a center where volunteers come to assist refugees in settling with a smooth transition here in America. She had her orientation last week and loved it. So a couple of days ago, she asked me to join the organization with her. I decided to do so, and yesterday we went to go meet the family we are mentoring and helping.
The US government takes care of refugees for their first four months here, after which they have to find jobs and start settling on their own. Since it's a sort of 'welfare' system-they live in very, very rough areas of town with other refugees for their first four months. The family we are sponsoring is a young couple from Nepal. They are Bhutanese by birth, but were forced into exile at very young ages due to political and ethnic unrest and have been living in Nepal their whole lives. They have a young 4-yr old daughter, and they are accompanied by 3 of their brothers/cousins. They are college educated (in Nepal), and speak minimal English. They are all amazing musicians as well! They sing and play the guitar and piano beautifully. Their home is nearly empty, except for their guitars and pianos! All six of them are living in a tiny, simple 2-bedroom apartment. They are a few of the sweetest, purest, and happiest people we have ever met--and we've met a lot of people, so that's saying A LOT. They have almost nothing, and yet they are truly happy because they have each other! My mother and I went to meet them for the first time yesterday.
We will be mentoring them and helping them as much as we can--taking them around the city, helping them find jobs, helping them perfect their English, giving them clothes...and helping them in whatever way we can. I can not describe the satisfaction my heart experienced after meeting these people. I am so truly excited to give them my whole heart and everything else I can possibly give. I truly felt like I was fulfilling my human purpose by opening my heart to them. I can't wait to learn from them as well! From their culture to their simplicity to their genuineness, they have already made a huge impact on me. I took the first step yesterday, but I have absolutely realized that I will be spending the rest of my life doing this, because I will be incomplete without the amazing fulfillment of using my life to serve others who need me!
A life lived without giving is not a life at all, for the collective human spirit thrives only on the act of 'giving' to each other and strengthening our communal bond in the human race!
Einstein said it best: "Only a life lived for others is worth living."
Thursday, July 30, 2009
It Runs In My Blood :-)
So, today, I decided to take a hand at what my father spent his whole LIFE enjoying: the stock market! My father was an avid investment analyst who owned an investment advisory company. He would invest clients' money in various stocks (per his own 40+years of hands-on experience with the market), and watch them grow!
Well, I've always had a deep love for this field of work, as my father loved it with all of his heart! It was never 'work' for him, he truly enjoyed every moment of working in the NYSE. He was able to work from anywhere in the world--whether it was in his pajamas in his home office or sitting on the shores of Pular Kelor beach in Indonesia. For this reason, he always had a great passion to pass his knowledge on to me, his only child. He always felt that life could be lived so richly as an investor, mainly because one loses no time with his friends and family while working. Sadly, my young mind was not cognizant of the benefits of his knowledge before he passed away, so I lost the opportunity to inherit his wealth of knowledge (perhaps the most valuable of all worldly wealth!)
Since his passing, however, I've always felt a deep connection to the stock market--following it whenever I can. It runs in my blood, and it is an immense part of my father's legacy. So, today, I decided to get my hands dirty in the market, once and for all! I already have all of his accounts, but I never had the courage to touch them. Today, I bought some shares of a stock, and have been refreshing the page for 2 hours now :-) Subhanallah, Allah shows us in His ways--the stock I bought went up 8.24% after I bought it! I have a strong feeling the market runs in my blood, and I plan to live it up to its full potential, inshAllah :-)
Monday, July 27, 2009
Wondering...why?
I can't stop thinking these days.I wonder why...
...it's easier for us to push each other away than it is for us to come closer together?
...it's easier to look the other way than it is to confront injustices?
...it's easier to keep our walls up than it is for us to open our hearts?
I decided there are a couple reasons:
- Because this temporary world is all one. big. TEST. It's supposed to be easier for us to take the unprincipled, crooked route--because God is testing the purity of our souls, if we are of the few that are willing to choose the demanding and obstreperous path, which is also the straight one.
- Because humans are naturally weak beings, unwilling to take risks that may jeopardize our security, our feelings, our 'images' in society. Without faith--and without the guidance and strength of the Lord--we have no capacity to rise above the sickly societal norms that we are surrounded by. By making decisions and choosing paths that are unpopular and against the heavy, negative tides of society, our minds, bodies, AND souls grow stronger.
I leave you with a few words of wisdom (though unrelated, entirely relevant in any forum):
"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself." - Wayne Dyer
Sunday, July 26, 2009
الحياة… ليست كما تبدو دائما
A BEAUTIFUL post from ilsul6ana:
http://ilsul6ana.wordpress.com
Life is simply never what it seems.
Don't be fooled by what you see on the surface.
نظرات وقحة
جلست الفتاة الشابة في المقهى بانتظار خطيبها
الذي اتفق معها ان يلاقيها بعد انتهاء العمل
ارتشفت الشاي وجالت بنظرها في المكان
فرأت شابا ينظر اليها ويبتسم
لم تعره انتباها واستمرت في شرب الشاي
بعد دقائق اختلست نظرة بطرف عينيها
الى حيث يجلس الشاب فرأته مازال ينظر اليها
وبنفس الابتسامة , تضايقت جدا من هذه الوقاحة
وعندما جاء خطيبها اخبرته
نهض الخطيب واتجه نحو الشاب
ولكمه لكمة قوية في الوجه اطاحته ارضا
نظرت الفتاة الشابة نظرة إعجاب الى رجولة خطيبها
ودفاعه عنها في مقابل نظرات الشاب الوقحة
وخرجا من المقهى يدا بيد
بعد لحظات نهض الشاب بمساعدة النادل
ووضع نظارته السوداء على عينيه
ورفع عصاه وتحسس طريقه الى خارج المقهى
حيث يذهب الجميع
قرر ان يجرب اللذة الحرام لاول مرة
فاستقل الطائرة الى المدينة الشهيرة بلذاتها
واستقل تاكسي من المطار وقال للسائق مع غمزة
ان يأخذه الى حيث يذهب كل الناس
وأراح رأسه على الكرسي وأخذ يفكر
فيما ينتظره من مغامرات سمع عنها
طول عمره ولم يجربها
ونساء لاتراهن الا في الافلام السينمائية
فكر وفكر حتى احس بالسيارة قد توقفت
نظر حوله فرأى المكان غريبا ولايشبه توقعاته بشيئ
وعند سؤاله سائق التاكسي عن المكان
اجابه ببرود انهم في مقبرة المدينة
غضب الرجل وصاح بسائق التاكسي
انه يريد الذهاب الى حيث حياة الليل والنوادي
وليس المقبرة
اجابه السائق بان ليس جميع الناس
يقصدون النوادي الليلية
ولكن الجميع بدون استثناء ياتون الى المقبرة
رجع الرجل الى المطار
وركب طائرته عائدا الى بيته وعائلته
الحسناء
جلس في الحديقة العامة على كرسي
وجال بنظره في الارجاء البعيدة
يراقب الناس ومايفعلونه
البعض يلعب ، والبعض يقرأ ، وآخر أخذته غفوة
بدا يحس بالسأم
عندما شاهد من بعيد إمراة
ذات قوام جميل ومشية كالطاووس
لم يتمكن من رؤية ملامح وجهها
ولكنه تحسر على جمالها
وقارنها بزوجته المملة التي تشبه العسكر
راقب مشيتها وهي تمشي باتجاهه
عندما لاحظ طفلا بجانبها
تحسر وقال هنيئا له زوجها على هذه الحسناء
وكم خجل من نفسه عندما اقتربت المراة منه
واكتشف انها زوجته وبجانبها طفله .
الحياة المثالية
جلست في بيت صديقتها الواسع والفخم ذو الاثاث الغالي
واخذت تحدثها عن كم هي محظوظة بزواجها
من رجل اعمال منحها عيشة الملوك
بيت كالقصر ، وحمام سباحة ، وسيارة تخطف الابصار
وخدم وحشم ، ونقود وتسوق ، وسفر الى الخارج
ابتسمت صاحبة البيت
التي كانت تضع نظارة سوداء سميكة
لهذا الكلام واستمعت الى صديقتها
وهي تكمل مدحها لحياتها وتعدد اسباب سعادتها
وكم تمنت لو انها تحظى بنفس حياتها
انصرفت بحسرتها وخلعت صاحبة البيت النظارة
حيث ظهرت آثار الكدمات السوداء تحت عينيها
من أثر الضرب
الحياة… ليست كما تبدو دائما
http://ilsul6ana.wordpress.com
Life is simply never what it seems.
Don't be fooled by what you see on the surface.
نظرات وقحة
جلست الفتاة الشابة في المقهى بانتظار خطيبها
الذي اتفق معها ان يلاقيها بعد انتهاء العمل
ارتشفت الشاي وجالت بنظرها في المكان
فرأت شابا ينظر اليها ويبتسم
لم تعره انتباها واستمرت في شرب الشاي
بعد دقائق اختلست نظرة بطرف عينيها
الى حيث يجلس الشاب فرأته مازال ينظر اليها
وبنفس الابتسامة , تضايقت جدا من هذه الوقاحة
وعندما جاء خطيبها اخبرته
نهض الخطيب واتجه نحو الشاب
ولكمه لكمة قوية في الوجه اطاحته ارضا
نظرت الفتاة الشابة نظرة إعجاب الى رجولة خطيبها
ودفاعه عنها في مقابل نظرات الشاب الوقحة
وخرجا من المقهى يدا بيد
بعد لحظات نهض الشاب بمساعدة النادل
ووضع نظارته السوداء على عينيه
ورفع عصاه وتحسس طريقه الى خارج المقهى
حيث يذهب الجميع
قرر ان يجرب اللذة الحرام لاول مرة
فاستقل الطائرة الى المدينة الشهيرة بلذاتها
واستقل تاكسي من المطار وقال للسائق مع غمزة
ان يأخذه الى حيث يذهب كل الناس
وأراح رأسه على الكرسي وأخذ يفكر
فيما ينتظره من مغامرات سمع عنها
طول عمره ولم يجربها
ونساء لاتراهن الا في الافلام السينمائية
فكر وفكر حتى احس بالسيارة قد توقفت
نظر حوله فرأى المكان غريبا ولايشبه توقعاته بشيئ
وعند سؤاله سائق التاكسي عن المكان
اجابه ببرود انهم في مقبرة المدينة
غضب الرجل وصاح بسائق التاكسي
انه يريد الذهاب الى حيث حياة الليل والنوادي
وليس المقبرة
اجابه السائق بان ليس جميع الناس
يقصدون النوادي الليلية
ولكن الجميع بدون استثناء ياتون الى المقبرة
رجع الرجل الى المطار
وركب طائرته عائدا الى بيته وعائلته
الحسناء
جلس في الحديقة العامة على كرسي
وجال بنظره في الارجاء البعيدة
يراقب الناس ومايفعلونه
البعض يلعب ، والبعض يقرأ ، وآخر أخذته غفوة
بدا يحس بالسأم
عندما شاهد من بعيد إمراة
ذات قوام جميل ومشية كالطاووس
لم يتمكن من رؤية ملامح وجهها
ولكنه تحسر على جمالها
وقارنها بزوجته المملة التي تشبه العسكر
راقب مشيتها وهي تمشي باتجاهه
عندما لاحظ طفلا بجانبها
تحسر وقال هنيئا له زوجها على هذه الحسناء
وكم خجل من نفسه عندما اقتربت المراة منه
واكتشف انها زوجته وبجانبها طفله .
الحياة المثالية
جلست في بيت صديقتها الواسع والفخم ذو الاثاث الغالي
واخذت تحدثها عن كم هي محظوظة بزواجها
من رجل اعمال منحها عيشة الملوك
بيت كالقصر ، وحمام سباحة ، وسيارة تخطف الابصار
وخدم وحشم ، ونقود وتسوق ، وسفر الى الخارج
ابتسمت صاحبة البيت
التي كانت تضع نظارة سوداء سميكة
لهذا الكلام واستمعت الى صديقتها
وهي تكمل مدحها لحياتها وتعدد اسباب سعادتها
وكم تمنت لو انها تحظى بنفس حياتها
انصرفت بحسرتها وخلعت صاحبة البيت النظارة
حيث ظهرت آثار الكدمات السوداء تحت عينيها
من أثر الضرب
الحياة… ليست كما تبدو دائما
THIS Is Why I love MY Country!!!!!
THIS is why I love this country. It may have its fair share of issues, but this shows the pure essence of the human spirit of America:
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE!
and enjoy e.v.e.r.y single moment you're gifted from God.
LOVE IT!!!! That couple is starting their marriage out in a wonderful way :-)
Saturday, July 25, 2009
So tired of BS!
Sorry, but I'm not taking it anymore, and I'm DEFINITELY not gonna be sorry about it!In other news...I am SO addicted to this amazing song of Carole Samaha's :-) Love herrrrr!
Are You A Wealthy Man Or A Beggar?
A saint was praying silently. A wealthy merchant, observing the saint's devotion and sincerity, was deeply touched by him. The merchant offered the saint a bag of gold. "I know that you will use the money for Allah's sake. Please take it."
"Just a moment." The saint replied. "I'm not sure if it is lawful for me to take your money. Are you a wealthy man? Do you have more money at home?
"Oh yes. I have at least one thousand gold pieces at home," claimed the merchant proudly.
"Do you want a thousand gold pieces more? Asked the saint.
"Why not, of course yes. Every day I work hard to earn more money."
"And do you wish for yet a thousand gold pieces more beyond that?"
"Certainly. Every day I pray that I may earn more and more money."
The saint pushed the bag of gold back to the merchant. "I am sorry, but I cannot take your gold," he said. "A wealthy man cannot take money from a beggar."
"How can you call yourself a wealthy man and me a beggar?" the merchant spluttered.
The saint replied, "I am a wealthy man because I am content with whatever Allah (SWT) sends me. You are a beggar, because no matter how much you possess, you are always dissatisfied, and always begging Allah (SWT) for more."
"Just a moment." The saint replied. "I'm not sure if it is lawful for me to take your money. Are you a wealthy man? Do you have more money at home?
"Oh yes. I have at least one thousand gold pieces at home," claimed the merchant proudly.
"Do you want a thousand gold pieces more? Asked the saint.
"Why not, of course yes. Every day I work hard to earn more money."
"And do you wish for yet a thousand gold pieces more beyond that?"
"Certainly. Every day I pray that I may earn more and more money."
The saint pushed the bag of gold back to the merchant. "I am sorry, but I cannot take your gold," he said. "A wealthy man cannot take money from a beggar."
"How can you call yourself a wealthy man and me a beggar?" the merchant spluttered.
The saint replied, "I am a wealthy man because I am content with whatever Allah (SWT) sends me. You are a beggar, because no matter how much you possess, you are always dissatisfied, and always begging Allah (SWT) for more."
Friday, July 24, 2009
Happyness :-)
How ADORABLE is this kid?! MashAllah, may Allah (swt) allow the glowing light in his eyes to burn brighter with happiness with every day that passes by inshAllah!
He has such a beautiful sincerity in his eyes, a sincerity that so deeply communicates the simplicity, purity, and innocence of his happiness.
Seeing such a powerful picture like this got me thinking. It is the most natural and human feeling to long for happiness in one's life. Though happiness has many general elements that may apply to all human beings (faith, health, love, peace, family, friends, freedom, liberty, respect, etc.), some of the most precious elements of happiness are those that are purely subjective.
What is happiness to me? In all honesty, when someone is trying to fill a void or a gaping hole of emptiness in their life, they often mistake every simple, fulfilling act as the key to their happiness. For me, the last two years have been full of such unhealthy behaviors. The biggest one that comes to mind is shopping: I have experienced a very unhealthy attachment to the act of shopping. I have always loved the art of dressing oneself to portray her personality, character and presence, but that's a good thing only when practiced in moderation. Under the illusion that shopping gave me the happiness I was missing in my life, I began spending thousands of dollars per month on the most trivial and unnecessary (now I realize this) things when living temporarily in New York in 2007. Sickeningly, the rush of accumulating things (clothes, shoes, etc.) gave me some sort of validation that I so desperately believed I needed. It's taken many months of anguish to curb this addiction and bring myself back to a point of moderation, but I'm here! All praises be to Allah (swt), now I realize fully how stupid it was to think that accumulating material things could actually bring someone true happiness. Hah! It sounds so stupid now that I write all of this, but it is the raw, honest truth.
This experience of mine has helped make trivial elements of life quite clear to me. I now fully understand the difference between temporary satisfaction and genuine, blessed bliss. Though I have yet to identify and define true happiness personally (the definition of one's happiness is very fluid, changing as the chapters of life evolve), I know that I am on a path towards it, inshAllah.
During the past few cool, breezy summer days, I have found myself spending more time outdoors-absorbing the purity and perfection of God's nature. One can almost feel the presence of Allah when surrounded solely by his unblemished creations! So, for now, I can confidently say that my path to happiness is definitely surrounded by flowers, trees, and blue skies :-) (and maybe a nice dress or two? ;-) absolutely not!)
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Family!
Families are such an unbelievable blessing from Allah (SWT)! I honestly cannot put into words the feelings of complete satisfaction and PEACE that I feel when I'm simply surrounded by my family members. It's a beautiful thing to have ALL your walls down and be completely bare and vulnerable with the people who protect you, love you, and keep you secure unconditionally.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Carefree!
For a girl like me, who constantly holds every worry in every loved one's life as a personal priority, it is a truly beautiful feeling to 'let go' and simply appreciate the moment in all its splendor and simplicity. It is also a gift from Allah (SWT), and I thank Him with every breath that leaves my body for teaching me how to feel this way :-)
I am what some may call an 'extreme human being'. My existence in this world is one of extreme emotion and feeling, whether it be love or pain, happiness or grief. Though it is only at this point in life that I am beginning to understand my own soul and her many pieces, I have always loved and grieved with every single fiber of my being. Whether it was with my father, grandmother, aunt, or best friend, I have given my heart in its entirety to the many relationships and friendships with which Allah (SWT) has so generously blessed me. As I grow in my deen as a stronger and more sincere muslimah, I become more aware of the true beauty of this quality-having an open heart, overflowing in its capacity with genuine love for all of Allah (SWT)'s creations, be they mountains, horses, or human beings-and that it is one that will be tested heavily in the apathy, fitna, and hate of this sad world. All praise be to Allah, He has made my soul, my heart, my being even stronger in both the face of unconscionable grief and the face of heartless human beings.
Alhamdulilah, though this quality of mine allows me to come closer to Allah (SWT) and his creations in many ways, it also leaves me in a very vulnerable and weak position to those in this world who are insensitive, inconsiderate, and simply cold. It's difficult beyond words to have ice poured over a warm soul, but this is the nature of this world of Allah (SWT)-one of constant tests and trials. So, in order for a person like myself to even survive in this world, it is imperative that I find ways to fight animosity that forces its way into my life. It is only in the last 9 months that I have slowly and painstakingly come to understand how to release and submit my soul to the perfect and supreme Will of Allah (SWT). Because the deen of Islam is not only about the 5 pillars (which are the easiest to accomplish) but even more about the way a Muslim carries himself in a community or society-exemplifying the traits and character of our noble Prophet Muhammad (SAW). Once a Muslim achieves confidence in the purity and sincerity of his heart and character, he finds it very easy to accept the decisions and paths to which Allah (SWT) leads him--for he knows that these are the paths that will lead him closest to Allah (SWT).
All in all, it is necessary for us as mu'mineen to relinquish all control to our Almighty Lord, and have confidence in His unchallenged Hikmah (wisdom)! Allah (SWT) has taught me a very, very beautiful lesson...but not without months of raw pain, confusion and uncertainty.
Surah Ibrahim, Ayah 1:
ALIF LAM RA. A Book We have sent down to you that you may lead men out of darkness into light, by their Lord\'s command, to the path of the mighty, the worthy of praise.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Mama :*
With both a personality and a heart that are truly larger than life, she tends to charm all that encounter her with her insatiable humor and immovable smile.
She is one of those people who care nothing of what others think of her or her loved ones. She has always lived her life according to her heart and continues to do just that, til this day. Despite the strength of spirit, she lacks convictions and faith of heart. She is weak and unsure of her way in life, especially after losing her beloved husband of 25 years. She left her family, friends, and religion behind to marry my baba, and she never looked back or regretted one day of sacrifice.
She happily gave her life to her husband, professed her belief in Islam, and started a family. She never quite fit in with any group of people following her marriage, having been ostracized from those in her previous life while at the same time being shunned by those in her new life. However, it was always worth it because she had her husband, her soulmate, her perfection. She never expected to lose him so early in life, and his loss has catapulted her into a deep crevice of loneliness--a loneliness that eats away at her heart with each day that passes. This pain, coupled with a lack of religious understanding, has eroded her spirit in ways that most humans cannot survive. Still, her loving soul wins its battles against the pain-and shines through her bright smile and sparkling eyes, forcing most to wonder how jolting and magnificent her spirit must have been before tragedy struck.
On looking back on the rich and euphoric days she shared with baba, it is quite clear that Allah (SWT) brought the two together in a union of purity, deep mutual respect, and simple love. Their souls are those of true goodness, and it is without a doubt that Allah (SWT) brings good people together.
Surah Al-Noor, Ayah 26:
She is one of those people who care nothing of what others think of her or her loved ones. She has always lived her life according to her heart and continues to do just that, til this day. Despite the strength of spirit, she lacks convictions and faith of heart. She is weak and unsure of her way in life, especially after losing her beloved husband of 25 years. She left her family, friends, and religion behind to marry my baba, and she never looked back or regretted one day of sacrifice.
She happily gave her life to her husband, professed her belief in Islam, and started a family. She never quite fit in with any group of people following her marriage, having been ostracized from those in her previous life while at the same time being shunned by those in her new life. However, it was always worth it because she had her husband, her soulmate, her perfection. She never expected to lose him so early in life, and his loss has catapulted her into a deep crevice of loneliness--a loneliness that eats away at her heart with each day that passes. This pain, coupled with a lack of religious understanding, has eroded her spirit in ways that most humans cannot survive. Still, her loving soul wins its battles against the pain-and shines through her bright smile and sparkling eyes, forcing most to wonder how jolting and magnificent her spirit must have been before tragedy struck.
On looking back on the rich and euphoric days she shared with baba, it is quite clear that Allah (SWT) brought the two together in a union of purity, deep mutual respect, and simple love. Their souls are those of true goodness, and it is without a doubt that Allah (SWT) brings good people together.
Surah Al-Noor, Ayah 26:
الْخَبِيثَاتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَالْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَاتِ وَالطَّيّـِبَاتُ لِلطَّيّـِبِينَ وَالطَّيّـِبُونَ لِلطَّيّـِبَاتِ اُوْلَئِكَ مُبَرَّءُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَهُم مَغْفِرَةٌ وَرِزْقٌ كَرِيمٌ
"Impure women are for impure men, and impure men for impure women. Good women are for good men, and good men are for good women; such are innocent of that which they say: For them is forgiveness and a bountiful provision."Monday, May 25, 2009
Baba :*
No one can possibly imagine how shattered my heart has been for the past two years, my baba was truly my whole life.
A man whose life was that of a fairytale--whose character was that of pure honor, dignity, and truth--whose faith was that of deep convictions and submission to the will of Allah (SWT)--whose heart was so full with love that it poured through his body and consumed his entire being--and whose elegance and class were truly unrivaled.
It's funny, you know. Before my first year in college, I fought with him to let me live on campus in a dormitory. The first night I spent in my dorm, I realized exactly why he didn't want me to leave home. I missed him coming to my room before he went to bed, spending 15-20 minutes just talking about life and family. I missed his warm hugs that spoke volumes that words simply could not capture. I missed his calm aura that I found myself constantly basking in.
I am so blessed to have known, since the beginning of my consciousness, exactly what he meant to me. Days before he passed, he picked me up in his arms and spent several hours talking to me about everything he wanted me to do in life, and how proud he was of what I had already done. I was so blessed to be so connected to him--I literally saw us as part of one and the same being. His absence is a pain that never leaves my being, poking through my soul and into my heart like a jagged dagger that knows its purpose. As time goes on, the pain seems unmovable. His absence cuts through my heart with each moment that passes. AH, I stay strong for my mother, for his soul, and all those around me, but I can't help but lose myself into the deep abyss of uncertainty and despair that awaits me every night before I close my eyes to sleep. His absence is truly unbearable, in every imaginable sense of the word. Loneliness is now my only friend, even in the midst of many. When his image comes to mind, my heart sinks through my chest as my tears burn my face. When his voice comes to mind, my entire being stops functioning for a moment in time--a moment that forces me to drown helplessly in a sour pool of agony. When his distinct, genuine laugh comes to mind...all I can do is close my eyes and gasp, because the memory of his laugh is enough to end my life.
I brave through the day, overcompensating for my grief through dramatic tendencies and constant humor. What lies beneath this thick layer of deception and drama is a pain so tender and raw that its only non-religious cure is to thicken the layer of pretend. Living in a world of triviality and disdain, one is constantly reminded that 'no one really cares'. Four words so bitter, but so true. Four words that have become so tangible for me in the last two years, that I can almost taste them. Four words that are so antithetical to the way baba lived his life. He was the most successful, most handsome, most religious, most caring, most loving, most affectionate, most gentle, most friendly, most cultured, most humble, most genuine, most righteous, most kind, most just, most pious, most athletic, most understanding, most intelligent, most well-traveled, most fashionable, most warm man I have ever known, and I am sure I will ever know. With each and every one of those adjectives boasting several stories of his life to back them up as evidence, he was truly as close to perfection as Allah has made human beings.
I really can't explain the searing pain that strikes me every now and then, all it takes is for me to be at a weak moment when I see or hear something that reminds me of my father. Suddenly, I can't breathe, my body stiffens, and I feel like everything around me turns black: it's truly, truly the lowest emotional point that a human being can possibly be at.
BUT then, after a few painful minutes of absorbing the concentrated bout of pain that slices through my chest, I go back to the routine that I've gradually built my 'new' self around. This is life, you know? This is simply how it goes (for some of us).
Our Almighty Lord (Allah, 3aza wajal) has given us such peace in His Holy words of the Qur'an. His infinitely strong words are the glue that hold my soul together. Some ayaat that have had an especially deep impact on me:
"O my People! This life of the present is nothing but (temporary) convenience. It is the Hereafter that is the Home that will last. "(40:39)
"Nor does anyone know what it is that he will earn on the morrow: Nor does anyone know in what land he is to die. Verily with God is full knowledge and He is acquainted (with all things)" (31:34)
"And if ye die, or are slain, Lo! it is unto Allah that ye are brought together." Qur'an (3:158)
Oh Allah! When I lose hope because my plans have come to nothing, help me remember that Your love is greater than my disappointments & Your plans for my life are better than my dreams. Ameen.
وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوفْ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الأَمَوَالِ وَالأنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ 2:155
الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُواْ إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ 2:156
أُولَـئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ وَأُولَـئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ
2:157
---Translation of these verses---
'And most certainly We shall test you by means of danger, hunger, and loss of worldly goods, of lives and of [labour's] fruits. But give glad tidings unto those who are patient in adversity.' (2:155)
'Those who, when calamity befalls them, say, "Verily, unto God do we belong and, verily, unto Him we shall return." (2:156)
'It is they upon whom their Sustainer's blessings and grace are bestowed, and it is they, they who are on the right path!' (2:157)
In the end, I am so consoled by the deep righteousness of my baba's soul. He was very close to his deen, and he never missed a chance to read Qur'an or say his prayers. Because of the purity of his soul, Allah (SWT) continues to bring him to me in exceptionally positive and beautiful dreams. May Allah (SWT) bring my family together in the eternal life of the Hereafter (the aakhirah). Ameen, ya rab ul 3aalameen.
A man whose life was that of a fairytale--whose character was that of pure honor, dignity, and truth--whose faith was that of deep convictions and submission to the will of Allah (SWT)--whose heart was so full with love that it poured through his body and consumed his entire being--and whose elegance and class were truly unrivaled.
It's funny, you know. Before my first year in college, I fought with him to let me live on campus in a dormitory. The first night I spent in my dorm, I realized exactly why he didn't want me to leave home. I missed him coming to my room before he went to bed, spending 15-20 minutes just talking about life and family. I missed his warm hugs that spoke volumes that words simply could not capture. I missed his calm aura that I found myself constantly basking in.
I am so blessed to have known, since the beginning of my consciousness, exactly what he meant to me. Days before he passed, he picked me up in his arms and spent several hours talking to me about everything he wanted me to do in life, and how proud he was of what I had already done. I was so blessed to be so connected to him--I literally saw us as part of one and the same being. His absence is a pain that never leaves my being, poking through my soul and into my heart like a jagged dagger that knows its purpose. As time goes on, the pain seems unmovable. His absence cuts through my heart with each moment that passes. AH, I stay strong for my mother, for his soul, and all those around me, but I can't help but lose myself into the deep abyss of uncertainty and despair that awaits me every night before I close my eyes to sleep. His absence is truly unbearable, in every imaginable sense of the word. Loneliness is now my only friend, even in the midst of many. When his image comes to mind, my heart sinks through my chest as my tears burn my face. When his voice comes to mind, my entire being stops functioning for a moment in time--a moment that forces me to drown helplessly in a sour pool of agony. When his distinct, genuine laugh comes to mind...all I can do is close my eyes and gasp, because the memory of his laugh is enough to end my life.
I brave through the day, overcompensating for my grief through dramatic tendencies and constant humor. What lies beneath this thick layer of deception and drama is a pain so tender and raw that its only non-religious cure is to thicken the layer of pretend. Living in a world of triviality and disdain, one is constantly reminded that 'no one really cares'. Four words so bitter, but so true. Four words that have become so tangible for me in the last two years, that I can almost taste them. Four words that are so antithetical to the way baba lived his life. He was the most successful, most handsome, most religious, most caring, most loving, most affectionate, most gentle, most friendly, most cultured, most humble, most genuine, most righteous, most kind, most just, most pious, most athletic, most understanding, most intelligent, most well-traveled, most fashionable, most warm man I have ever known, and I am sure I will ever know. With each and every one of those adjectives boasting several stories of his life to back them up as evidence, he was truly as close to perfection as Allah has made human beings.
I really can't explain the searing pain that strikes me every now and then, all it takes is for me to be at a weak moment when I see or hear something that reminds me of my father. Suddenly, I can't breathe, my body stiffens, and I feel like everything around me turns black: it's truly, truly the lowest emotional point that a human being can possibly be at.
BUT then, after a few painful minutes of absorbing the concentrated bout of pain that slices through my chest, I go back to the routine that I've gradually built my 'new' self around. This is life, you know? This is simply how it goes (for some of us).
Our Almighty Lord (Allah, 3aza wajal) has given us such peace in His Holy words of the Qur'an. His infinitely strong words are the glue that hold my soul together. Some ayaat that have had an especially deep impact on me:
"O my People! This life of the present is nothing but (temporary) convenience. It is the Hereafter that is the Home that will last. "(40:39)
"Nor does anyone know what it is that he will earn on the morrow: Nor does anyone know in what land he is to die. Verily with God is full knowledge and He is acquainted (with all things)" (31:34)
"And if ye die, or are slain, Lo! it is unto Allah that ye are brought together." Qur'an (3:158)
Oh Allah! When I lose hope because my plans have come to nothing, help me remember that Your love is greater than my disappointments & Your plans for my life are better than my dreams. Ameen.
وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوفْ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الأَمَوَالِ وَالأنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ 2:155
الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُواْ إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ 2:156
أُولَـئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ وَأُولَـئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ
2:157
---Translation of these verses---
'And most certainly We shall test you by means of danger, hunger, and loss of worldly goods, of lives and of [labour's] fruits. But give glad tidings unto those who are patient in adversity.' (2:155)
'Those who, when calamity befalls them, say, "Verily, unto God do we belong and, verily, unto Him we shall return." (2:156)
'It is they upon whom their Sustainer's blessings and grace are bestowed, and it is they, they who are on the right path!' (2:157)
In the end, I am so consoled by the deep righteousness of my baba's soul. He was very close to his deen, and he never missed a chance to read Qur'an or say his prayers. Because of the purity of his soul, Allah (SWT) continues to bring him to me in exceptionally positive and beautiful dreams. May Allah (SWT) bring my family together in the eternal life of the Hereafter (the aakhirah). Ameen, ya rab ul 3aalameen.
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