Monday, June 6, 2011


To love with one's whole love with every fiber of one's love unconditionally even the most flawed and corrupt, selfish love even when everything around you is breaking you down, bit by bit, day by day... to love...

to the point that there is simply nothing left in you. but you still want to give more? all you get back is hurt, lies, and crap from the world--but you still want to give more.

can't. let. go.
don't. want. to. either.
it hurts too good.

"... what is love? Love is not idealization. Every true lover knows that if you really love a woman or a man, that you don't idealize him or her. Love means that you accept a person with all its failures, stupidities, ugly points. And nonetheless, the person's absolute for you. Everything life- that makes life worth living. But you see perfection in imperfection itself and that's how we should learn to love the world." -Slavoj Zizek

what is this bullshit emotion?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Om Kalthoum - The Ruins/الأطلال

Om Kalthoum - The Ruins

My heart, don't ask where the love has gone
It was a citadel of my imagination that has collapsed
Pour me a drink and let us drink of its ruins
And tell the story on my behalf as long as the tears flow
Tell how that love became past news
And became another story of passion
I haven't forgotten you
And you seduced me with a sweetly-calling and tender tongue
And a hand extending towards me like a hand stretched out through the waves to a drowning person
You seduced me with the saliva (of a kiss) that a night traveler thirsts for
But where is that light in your eyes?
My darling, I visited your nest one day as a bird of desire singing my pain
You've become self-important, spoiled and capricious
And you inflict harm like a powerful tyrant
And my longing for you cauterized my ribs (soul or insides)
And the waiting was like embers in my blood
Give me my freedom, release my hands
Indeed, I've given you yours and did not try to retain anything
Ah, your chains have bloodied my wrists
I haven't kept then nor have they spared me
Why do I keep promises that you do not honor?
When will this captivity end, when the world is before us?
He is far away, my enchanting love
Full of pride, majesty and delicacy
Sure-footed walking like an angel with oppressive beauty and rapacious glory
Redolent of charm like the breeze of the hills
Pleasant to experience like the night's dreams
I've lost forever the charm of your company that radiated brilliantly
I, wandering in love, a bewildered butterfly, approached you
And between us, desire was a messenger and drinking companion that presented the cup to us
Had love seen two as intoxicated as us?
So much hope we had built up around us
And we walked in the moonlit path, joy skipping along ahead of us
And we laughed like two children together
And we ran and raced our shadows
And we became aware after the euphoria and woke up
If only we did not awaken
Wakefulness ruined the dreams of slumber
The night came and the night became my only friend
And then the light was an omen of the sunrise and the dawn was towering over like a conflagration
And then the world was as we know it, with each lover in their own path
Oh sleepless one who slumbers and remembers the promise when you wake up
Know that if a wound begins to recover another wound crops up with the memory
So learn to forget and learn to erase it
My darling everything is fated
It is not by our hands that we make our misfortune
Perhaps one day our fates will cross when our desire to meet is strong enough
For if one friend denies the other and we meet as strangers
And if each of us follows his or her own way
Don't say it was by our own will
But rather, the will of fate

Oum Kalthoum - Les Ruines

Ne cherche pas, mon ame, a savoir qu'est devenu l'amour
C'etait une citadelle imaginaire qui s'est effondree
Abreuve-moi et trinquons a ses ruines
Conte en mon nom l'histoire
Maintenant que mes larmes ont coule
Racont comment cet amour s'est transforme en passe et pourquoi il m'est devenu un sujet de douleur
Je ne parviens pas a t'oublier
Toi qui m'avais seduite par tes discours si doux et raffines
Tendant ta main vers moi
Comme celle que l'on tend
Par dessus l'onde, a celui qui se noie
Et comme la lumiere que recherche un errant
Mais ou est donc passe cet eclat dans tes yeux
Mon amour, j'avais eu un jour la joie de visiter ton nid
Me voici aujourd'hui oiseau solitaire, roucoulant ma douleur
Tu es devenu suffisant comme un etre capricieux et gate
Tu pratiques l'injustice comme un puissant tyranique
Mon desir de toi me brule l'ame et le temps de ton absence n'est que braises cuisantes

Donne-moi ma liberte et brise mes chaines
Je t'ai tout donne; il ne me reste plus rien
Ah! tu m'avais saigne les poignets par tes chaines
pourquoi les garderai-je alors qu'elles n'ont plus d'effet sur moi
Pourquoi croire a des promesses que tu n'as pas tenues
Je n'accepte plus ta prison
Maintenant que le Monde est a moi
Il est loin mon bien-aime seduisant, tout de fierte, de majeste, et de pudeur
Si sur de lui, comme un roi de beaute et avide de gloire
Exhalant le charme, comme la brise des vallees, agreable a vivre comme les songes de la nuit
J'ai perdu a jamais ta douce compagnie dont le charme rayonnait de splendeur pour moi
Je n'etais qu'un amour a la derive, un papillon perdu qui s'etait approche de toi
Entre nous, la passion etait notre messager et l'ami qui avait fait deborder notre coupe
Y a-t-il jamais eu plus enivres d'amour que nous?
Nous nous etions entoures de tant d'espoir
Nous avions emprunte un chemin eclaire precedes que nous etions par la joie
Nous avons ri comme seuls deux enfants savent le faire et nous avons couru encore plus vite que notre ombre
C'est quand l'ivresse nous quitta que la lucidite revint et que nous nous sommes reveilles
Mai le reveil fut sans illusion
Finis les reves d'un monde imagine, voici venir la nuit, ma seule compagne

Et puis voici la lumiere qui annonce le jour et l'aube dont le ciel s'embrase
Voila la vie reelle, telle que nous la connaissons, avec ces amants qui reprennent chacun son chemin
Toi qui veilles en oubliant les promesses, et te reveilles en t'en souvenant
Sache que lorsqu'une blessure se referme, le souvenir en fait saigner une autre
Il faut apprendre a oublier
Il faut apprendre a effacer les souvenirs
Mon bien-aime, tout est fatalite
Ce n'est pas nous qui faisons notre malheur

Un jour peut-etre nos destins se croiseront, lorsque notre desir de nous rencontrer sera assez fort
S'il arrive alors qu'un de nous renie son amant et que notre rencontre soit celle de deux etrangers
Et si chacun de nous poursuit un chemin different, ne crois pas qu'il s'agira alors de notre choix mais plutot de celui du destin

ام كلثوم - الأطلال

يا فؤادي لا تسل أين الهوى كان صرحا من خيال فهوى
اسقني واشرب على أطلاله واروعني طالما الدمع روى
كيف ذاك الحب أمسى خبرا وحديثا من أحاديث الهوى
لست أنساك وقد أغريتني بفم عذب المنادة رقيق ويد
تمد نحوي كيد من خلال الموج مدت لغريق وبريق يظمأ
الساري له أين في عينيك نياك البريق ياحبيبا زرت يوما
أيكه طائر الشوق أغنى ألمي لك إبطاء المذل المنعم وتجني
القادر المحتكم و حنيني لك يكوي أضلعي والتواني جمرات
في دمي أعطني حريتي أطلق يدي ا إنني أعطيتك ما استبقيت
شيئا آه من قيدك أدمى معصمي لم أبقيه وما أبقى عليا
ما احتفاظي بعهود لم تصنها وإلام الأسر والدنيا لد يا أين من
عيني حبيب ساحر فيه عز وجلال وحياء واثق الخطوة يمشي
ملكا ظالم الحسن شهي الكبرياء عبق السحر كأنفاس الربى
ساهم الطرف كأحلام المساء أين مني مجلس أنت به فتنتة تمت
سناء وسنى وأنا حب و قلب هائم وفراش حائر منك دنا ومن
الشوق رسول بيننا ونديم قدم الكاس لنا هل رأى الحب سكارى
مثلنا كم بنينا من خيال حولنا ومشينا في طريق مقمر تثب
الفرحة فبه قلبنا وضحكنا ضحك طفلين معا وعدونا فسبقنا ظلنا
وانتبهنا بعد ما زال الرحيق وأفقنا ليت أنا لانفبق يقظة
طاحت بأحلام الكرى وتولى الليل والليل صديق وإذا النور
نذير طالع وإذا الفجر مطال كالحريق وإذا الدنيا كما تعرفها
وإذ ا الأحباب كل فب طريق أيها الساهر تغفو تذكر العهد
وتصحو وإذا ما الأم جرح جد بالتذكار جرح فتعلم كيف
تنيى وتعلم كيف تمحو يا حبيبي كل شيء بقضاء ما بأيدينا
خلقنا تعساء ربما تجمعنا أقدارنا ذات يوم بعدما عز اللقاء فإذا
انكر خل خله وتلاقينا لقاء الغرباء ومضى كل إلى غايته لاتقل
شئنا فإن الحظ شاء

life without you
is simply not a life at all...
it is an emptiness
that never goes away.
sometimes i wonder?
how long will i last...
in this world
without you...?

it can't be long
because every time i meet
a soul like yours...
it is only a matter of time
before my heart breaks.

then i realize!
this hole.
this hole that i am trying so hard
to patch up and fix...
is unfixable.

my destiny
is simply
a life
of heartbreak and tears.

wal7amdulilah 3ala kol 7al.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"I Wish I Was A Fly"...

"Just for one day out of my years of existence, I wish I was a tiny, smart, strong fly, so I could buzz over the twinkling lights of the country, past the zipping cars on the streets, through the narrow streets, and finally land at your doorstep.
I wish I could fly into your house; through an open window, an open door, or even through a keyhole large enough to squeeze me through.
I wish I could see the inside; see how colorful or drab, how luminous or dim, how animated or dull, how neat or messy, how funny or sad life is for you on the inside.
I promise, I won't be a pesky fly. I won't bother you while you're eating or sleeping or studying, or even when you watch TV. I just want to watch.
I want to watch you eat and drink and smile. I want to smell what you're eating and silently pray to God that you enjoy every single bite from the first to the last, and every sip from the brim of the glass to it's bottom.
I want to see and hear your laugh while you're watching TV or talking with your family. I want to watch what you are watching and absorb the bubbling laughter and silly snorts that escape your lips everytime something makes you smile.
I want to sit on the headboard of your bed and watch over you while you sleep. I want to make sure that the covers are tucked tightly around your strong arms and that the pillow beneath your breathtakingly angelic face is fluffed to your liking. I also want to hear you recite your mu3awethat, followed by your soft yet heavy breathing.
I want to see you first thing in the morning and the last thing at night.
I want to listen to what your parents tell you, or what you tell them. I promise, I won't intervene or sting them when they say anything to hurt or bother you; I just want to listen.
I want to perch myself in the strap of your gym bag and be with you when you go to work out. I want to tuck myself in between the criss-crossed safety of your shoelaces so that I can be with you from start to finish, to make sure you don't get hurt and to make sure that you drink plenty of water. I don't care if it gets too hot or too stuffy or too smelly; I just want to be with you.
I want to ride with you in your car and listen to your favorite songs, and listen to your sweet voice singing them. I want to follow you into your diwaniya to hear what you and your guy friends talk about, and to make sure if you've had your dinner or not. I promise, I won't annoy you - you won't even know I'm there.
I just want to see, hear, smell, and touch you, and absorb everything that goes on around you.
Because maybe then I'll understand.
And maybe you'll understand how much I love you.
I wish I was a fly, just for one day."

-Chicken Soup for the Kuwaiti Soul

Thursday, October 28, 2010

قارئة الفنجان

جلست والخوف بعينيها
تتأمل فنجاني المقلوب
قالت يا ولدي لا تحزن
فالحب عليك هو المكتوب
يا ولدي قد مات شهيداً
من مات فداء للمحبوب
يا ولدي

بصرت ونجمت كثيراً
لكني لم أعرف أبداً فنجاناً يشبه فنجانك
بصرت ونجمت كثيراً
لكني لم أعرف أبداً أحزاناً تشبه أحزانك
مقدورك أن تمضي أبداً في بحر الحب بغير قلوع
وتكون حياتك طول العمر كتاب دموع
مقدورك أن تبقى مسجوناً بين الماء وبين النار
فبرغم جميع حرائقه
وبرغم جميع سوابقه
وبرغم الحزن الساكن فينا ليل نهار
وبرغم الريح .. وبرغم الجو الماطر والإعصار
الحب سيبقى يا ولدي أحلى الأقدار
يا ولدي

بحياتك يا ولدي امرأة
عيناها سبحان المعبود
فمها مرسوم كالعنقود
ضحكتها أنغام وورود
والشعر الغجري المجنون
يسافر في كل الدنيا
قد تغدو امرأة يا ولدي يهواها القلب
هي الدنيا

لكن سماءك ممطرة
وطريقك مسدود مسدود
فحبيبة قلبك يا ولدي
نائمة في قصر مرصود
من يدخل حجرتها .. من يطلب يدها
من يدنو من سور حديقتها .. من حاول فك ضفائرها
يا ولدي مفقود .. مفقود
ستفتش عنها يا ولدي في كل مكان
وستسأل عنها موج البحر وستسأل فيروز الشطآن
وتجوب بحاراً وبحارا .. وتفيض دموعك أنهارا
وسيكبر حزنك حتى يصبح أشجارا

وسترجع يوماً يا ولدي
مهزوماً مكسور الوجدان
وستعرف بعد رحيل العمر
بأنك كنت تطارد خيط دخان
فحبيبة قلبك يا ولدي
ليس لها أرض أو وطن أو عنوان
ما أصعب أن تهوى امرأة يا ولدي
ليس لها عنوان

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Pure Satisfaction!

After my father's passing, my mom has constantly been searching for a 'cause' to support, in order to help fill her void. So, last week, she went to this place called 'International Refugee Relief Center' here in our city. It's a center where volunteers come to assist refugees in settling with a smooth transition here in America. She had her orientation last week and loved it. So a couple of days ago, she asked me to join the organization with her. I decided to do so, and yesterday we went to go meet the family we are mentoring and helping.

The US government takes care of refugees for their first four months here, after which they have to find jobs and start settling on their own. Since it's a sort of 'welfare' system-they live in very, very rough areas of town with other refugees for their first four months. The family we are sponsoring is a young couple from Nepal. They are Bhutanese by birth, but were forced into exile at very young ages due to political and ethnic unrest and have been living in Nepal their whole lives. They have a young 4-yr old daughter, and they are accompanied by 3 of their brothers/cousins. They are college educated (in Nepal), and speak minimal English. They are all amazing musicians as well! They sing and play the guitar and piano beautifully. Their home is nearly empty, except for their guitars and pianos! All six of them are living in a tiny, simple 2-bedroom apartment. They are a few of the sweetest, purest, and happiest people we have ever met--and we've met a lot of people, so that's saying A LOT. They have almost nothing, and yet they are truly happy because they have each other! My mother and I went to meet them for the first time yesterday.

We will be mentoring them and helping them as much as we can--taking them around the city, helping them find jobs, helping them perfect their English, giving them clothes...and helping them in whatever way we can. I can not describe the satisfaction my heart experienced after meeting these people. I am so truly excited to give them my whole heart and everything else I can possibly give. I truly felt like I was fulfilling my human purpose by opening my heart to them. I can't wait to learn from them as well! From their culture to their simplicity to their genuineness, they have already made a huge impact on me. I took the first step yesterday, but I have absolutely realized that I will be spending the rest of my life doing this, because I will be incomplete without the amazing fulfillment of using my life to serve others who need me!

A life lived without giving is not a life at all, for the collective human spirit thrives only on the act of 'giving' to each other and strengthening our communal bond in the human race!

Einstein said it best: "Only a life lived for others is worth living."

Thursday, July 30, 2009

It Runs In My Blood :-)

So, today, I decided to take a hand at what my father spent his whole LIFE enjoying: the stock market! My father was an avid investment analyst who owned an investment advisory company. He would invest clients' money in various stocks (per his own 40+years of hands-on experience with the market), and watch them grow!

Well, I've always had a deep love for this field of work, as my father loved it with all of his heart! It was never 'work' for him, he truly enjoyed every moment of working in the NYSE. He was able to work from anywhere in the world--whether it was in his pajamas in his home office or sitting on the shores of Pular Kelor beach in Indonesia. For this reason, he always had a great passion to pass his knowledge on to me, his only child. He always felt that life could be lived so richly as an investor, mainly because one loses no time with his friends and family while working. Sadly, my young mind was not cognizant of the benefits of his knowledge before he passed away, so I lost the opportunity to inherit his wealth of knowledge (perhaps the most valuable of all worldly wealth!)

Since his passing, however, I've always felt a deep connection to the stock market--following it whenever I can. It runs in my blood, and it is an immense part of my father's legacy. So, today, I decided to get my hands dirty in the market, once and for all! I already have all of his accounts, but I never had the courage to touch them. Today, I bought some shares of a stock, and have been refreshing the page for 2 hours now :-) Subhanallah, Allah shows us in His ways--the stock I bought went up 8.24% after I bought it! I have a strong feeling the market runs in my blood, and I plan to live it up to its full potential, inshAllah :-)